Fluttering through my fingertips

Can I share something?

I’m sad. And I’m tired. And a lot stressed. And I wonder if I made the right decisions professionally.

I had been excited about some professional possibilities and I was working towards my goals. But it looks like all of that is water under the bridge and I feel like what I had considered success has fluttered through my fingertips.

What does success mean anyhow? Happy kids and family? Yep. What about a balanced work and home life? Definitely. Climbing the corporate ladder? For some. Can I have all of that at the same time and not drive myself insane and work myself to the bone?

How do women – regular women, who aren’t Sheryl Sandberg (and even she is seeing that it’s not a walk in the park) – do it?

Does anyone else feel like that?

Do you feel like your big dreams have turned into big fairytales?

I’m feeling overwhelmed with a few months of maternity leave left.

Ha! And just a couple of weeks ago I was talking about contentment. I’m content, but I’m wondering if I’ve been too content, you know?

I do know it’s never too late to achieve your goals. I have a great, supportive family and two beautiful girls…but what else do I want for me?

So onward and upwards, but honestly, if I spend one more night thinking about what I’m going to do in the future, I’m gonna scream.

Family fun: Ripley’s Aquarium

Life has been BUSY, so the blog has been quiet.

But we did go to Ripley’s Aquarium in downtown Toronto. It was my first time and it was awesome! I’ve never been to the aquarium, but Kam and the Hubby have gone a couple of times and told me how great it was. I had high expectations and they were met. It was amazing.

Expensive, but amazing.

We paid $29.98 per adult and Kam was $9.98. Thankfully, Bri was free.

The aquarium isn’t huge, but there is definitely enough to keep you occupied. We were there for two hours on Saturday afternoon and it was more than enough time for us to get through all the fish. My favourite part? The moving sidewalk. We were greeted by sharks and stingrays and a host of other undersea creatures. I felt like I was the Little Mermaid

The girls had a great time. Bri was enthralled by all of the colours, while Kam was brimming with questions about all the fish and wanted us to read every sign.

Kam: What type of fish is that?

Me: A porkfish.

Kam: Why?

Me: I don’t know…maybe it likes bacon?

I would definitely encourage anyone who is looking to have some family fun – or who just like fish – to visit the aquarium. Word to the wise? Go on a weekday when it’s less crowded and make sure that the Blue Jays or the Raptors are not playing when you go.

The place was a dang zoo. Two hours to get out, but don’t let that dissuade you!

 

 

Finding contentment – just my two cents

Life is good…but it could be better.

That’s what we all say. More money, a bigger house, more time. If I could just get that promotion, things would be perfect. If I could just afford that house, I wouldn’t complain anymore. If I could just [INSERT BLANK] everything would finally be just how I want it to be.

But you know that isn’t true, right?

I’ve spent a couple of nights up – not just because Bri wakes me up all.the.time, but because of some stuff that’s going on. Something I wanted that I can’t get.

I’m vex. And I’m plotting.

No really, I’m plotting.

Not to say that I have no reason to be annoyed (I do), I had been focusing way too much energy on the negative and overlooking all the blessings I have.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting something – a promotion, a partner, a few minutes of peace – but there is something very wrong with focusing on what you don’t have and not being grateful for what you do have. And realizing that sometimes what we want isn’t the right thing for us.

What my mom always says, “What the Lord doesn’t allow, He hinders.” #facts.

I had to fall back for a minute and reassess and refocus.

Listen, life is not easy for anyone and we could all use more time, money, support, whatever. As I’ve gotten older I’ve realized that being content in the moment – while striving to meet my goals – is what keeps me sane.

Life isn’t perfect and I don’t think it’s meant to be. I think we need to face the ups and downs to refine our character. I do believe when we can find the positive in a bad situation, we handle it better. And when we count of blessings and are content – I’m gonna get that new job, but I’m working somewhere and can pay my bills – it makes life’s downs a little easier to manage.

And I’m still annoyed, but I am blessed. I have a lot of great things going on. I’m still plotting – the Lord is still working on me – but I’ll be OK.

Enjoy the week, friends.

Happy Mother’s Day

What I want for Mother’s Day is quite easy: to sleep in to 10 am and to be presented with a steaming hot cup of coffee when I wake up.

And this mug (which is available on amazon.ca for $17.99).

So as I dress Barbies with Kam and change Bri’s diaper – as she squirms angrily – I can sip my Earl Grey tea, read my mug and giggle quietly to myself.

Happy Mother’s Day to all moms out there. Have a great one!

Now say I’m pretty.

Accessibility? Who needs that?

I do.

I never thought about the need for accessibility until my dad had a stroke. A man who was always very physical and strong, now had a weak left side.

Don’t tell my dad he isn’t strong or that he needs some help.

But he does.

Did you know that one in three Canadians will become disabled before retirement? It doesn’t mean permanent disability, but temporary disabilities – you severely break or sprain your leg and you can’t take the stairs. Suddenly, you join the ranks of the disabled for eight weeks.

Why all the preamble? Today, Bri and I took the GO Train to visit a friend and our stop, Mimico on the Lakeshore West line, wasn’t wheelchair accessible. That also meant it wasn’t stroller accessible.

The GO customer service rep helped me lift the stroller down of the train, but there was no platform and ramp on the tracks.

That also meant Bri and I had to manoeuvre stairs.

I had to separate her carseat and stroller base, walk her, in the carseat, down the stairs, then head back up to get the stroller base and do the same. I did the reverse – carried her up, then headed back downstairs to get the stroller base on the other side to access the parking lot.

And I had Bri’s heavy diaper bag in tow.

Can you say I was not impressed?

I am able-bodied. I was able to lift these pieces up and down stairs. I was not happy about it but my day wasn’t ended because I could not even get off the dang train.

People with mobility issues would have a heck of a time. Plans would be shut down because you can’t join the party if you can’t exit the train at the right stop because it’s not accessible. You can’t go to the interview if you can’t access the station.

If we’re all paying the same fare, shouldn’t we get the same service?

You wanna know what happened next?

When I got to the Pickering GO station, that elevator wasn’t working. I had to struggle with Bri down the stairs again. At least some nice fellow passengers offered to help, but they were either laden down with luggage or needing accessibility assistance themselves.

It’s May 3 – do you think we’ll have a working elevator by Friday at Pickering GO?

GO Transit, Metrolinx, you charge so much for travel, you gotta do better.

Refreshing myself at Fresh Paint

I’ve been complaining…well, not complaining, but saying that I need some “me-time” because I’ve felt overwhelmed with life.

I know – someone play the world’s smallest violin.

Seriously, though. I have a lot going on – as many of us do. It’s important as a parent, and as a human being, that you find time to refresh yourself. Find some time just to chill and disconnect from technology and do you.

Finding that balance has been extremely difficult over the last few months without feeling extremely guilty. So, this weekend, with the goal of relaxing – and celebrating my friend’s birthday – my sister, sister-in-law and said friend visited Fresh Paint Studio + Cafe (1849 Danforth Ave., Toronto, 647-927-0764, info@freshpaintstudio.ca).

Hubby took Kam bike riding on some waterfront trails,  Bri was spending the afternoon with my parents and I had the opportunity to unleash my inner Picasso under the tutelage of Fresh Paint Studio + Cafe owner, Roxane Tracey, who is a pretty well-known artist who has created  Poetic Art for many years.

Smooth jazz and R&B was playing when we walked in and I suddenly had the need to enjoy some sweet treats at the cafe.I know – not connected, but I’m always hungry and I have a sweet tooth. I treated myself to waffles and cream topped with strawberries and chocolate sauce. Yes, I did. No judgment, please.

After snacking, we got down to business – choosing our canvasses and starting the process of creating our masterpieces. Roxane helped us newbies, showing us techniques to make artwork that I would be proud to hang on my wall.

It will actually hang in my new dining room in a few weeks. Check out the artwork:

 

A great time was had by all! And I got back to my in-laws feeling a lot more relaxed than I had in a very long time. This just shows me to be your best you – friend, mom, wife, husband, dad, son or daughter – you have to take care of yourself. And not feel guilty about it.

The studio has some stuff for the kiddies as well. Kam and I will definitely check out some events:

If you’re in the GTA, make sure to stop by and paint – and have a waffle! They’re awesome 🙂

 

You know you need a break when…

…you just sit outside, in the car, listening to music, reading Facebook posts and sipping still hot coffee.

By yourself.

All by yourself. In the quiet of the morning.

The Hubby’s off to work and the kids are inside the house, enjoying some morning bonding time with their grandparents. At least that’s what I tell myself as I hide in the car for a few minutes by myself with no one crying, demanding milk or wrecking shop in my presence.

This all tells me that my upcoming vacation to Barbados is well needed. A week and a half of fun in the sun, relaxation and beach time is necessary to recharge me.

50 days to go.

Have a happy Friday!

When the skin bleach and relaxer ain’t enuf

Lil Kim is all over social media. ICYMI: she bleached her skin, changed her features and is rocking a silky blonde lacefront wig. Not quite sure what her end goal was, but she looks like this.

Growing up as a Black girl and teen in Montreal, I heard stuff like:

“She’s too dark. I don’t want black babies.”

“She’s an ugly, black monkey.”

“You got that nappy hair!”

Not all the comments were directed at me, but it didn’t matter because my skin is dark and my hair is coarse.

In time, I embraced my Blackness and emphasized it – bright pink lipstick to show off these big lips, locs to highlight the kinky-ness of my hair – but some people don’t want to go against the beauty standard. They are assaulted every moment by the fact that they don’t measure up. Their skin is too black, lips and nose are too big, and their hair doesn’t blow in the wind – even with the super relaxer applied every six weeks with precision.

I understand why Lil Kim has felt the need to bleach her skin. We have to look at how colourism and racism feeds the self-hatred that many Black girls and women endure.

It’s not as simple as just getting over it. This self-hatred begets low self-esteem and confidence. How do you stand up in front of your colleagues or classmates when you’re convinced you are ugly because of your skin? How do you stand up for yourself in a bad relationship when you feel you aren’t worthy enough for better?

Lord, help me raise these two young girls so that they feel good about themselves.

Thinking of my master plan?

I always say, “if I didn’t have grey hair, I’d be bald.”

Thank God for hair dye.

Like most people, I have a lot on my plate: two little kids, two older parents – one who was recently quite ill – and I’ll be heading back to work in a few months once mat leave is over. In between all of that, there is getting Kam ready for Kindergarten, getting Bri to sleep consistently, moving, spending time with the Hubby and really assessing my career goals.

And I’m feeling quite stressed out.

Life is tiresome and there aren’t enough hours of the day (although seeing Bri refuses to sleep, I should have at least a couple of extra hours to think up my master plan). I often feel like I haven’t achieved enough, but I’m overwhelmed with what’s already on my plate.

How do you balance everything and make time for myself – while still achieving the goals I’ve set for myself?

They say I can have it all – but can I have it all at the same time?

Tired. Is this motherhood?

Yes, Grasshopper, it is.

I am tired.

Exhausted, actually.

Right now, I’m enjoying some quiet time by MYSELF!!! I know, right? Everyone is at church and I’m lounging, watching Say Yes to the Dress on TLC.

The quiet is delightful!

Here’s the situation: we’re in transition. We sold our townhouse and moved out, but our new house is not closing until July. So, we’ve moved in with the Hubby’s parents for the next few months. It’s all good – but Bri is not managing well overnight. Last night the child woke up at 11:30 pm, 1:30 am, 2:45 am, 4 am, 4:45 am and 6:45 am. At 7:50 am, I was done.

Because we’re sleep training to get her back on a schedule of sorts, Bri and I are sharing a room. Her nighttime wake-ups were disturbing Kam, so we changed up the sleeping arrangements. I took Bri into her father – I couldn’t deal with it anymore.

What would I do for a full night’s sleep?

Folks thinks babies sleeping crazy is something you can fix – and there are parts of bad sleep you can fix: routine, swaddling, etc. but ultimately, children sleeping through the night is developmental. You rarely meet a four-year-old who wakes up every hour (case in point: Kam, who was the worst sleeper in baby history and she sleeps like a champ now).

I know Bri will sleep through the night and I will sleep halfway decently at some point but, Lord knows I don’t want to wait three years to feel rested.

That actually brings a tear to my eye.

So to all my tired parents, I offer you this:

Don’t work too hard this Sunday, mamas!